Category Archives: Sexuality

Religion playing the victim in Prop 8 hearing

In what is likely the most ironic assertion made since Ann Coulter called liberal women ugly, The Catholic News Agency claimed Catholicism to be a target of religious bigotry on the part of California gay marriage advocates. Says the article:

“Today, religion has taken the stage, front and center, in the battle over the constitutionality of Prop. 8 and is being portrayed as an illegitimate basis for supporting traditional marriage. Religious bigotry surely found expression in today’s presentation by the plaintiffs,” he charged.

“To suggest that the people of California cannot consider their own political, moral and religious views when casting their vote on Prop. 8 is preposterous,” Pugno continued, adding that many issues are presented to voters that involve moral questions.

This is a straw man that my 12 year old could knock down in his sleep and sidesteps the very real and important issue that despite over 200 years of separation of church and state, the church continues to attempt to guide public policy through its adherents.

The facts are these: the right to marry was given to gay and lesbian couples. That right was taken away by the tyranny of the majority in large part due to out of state religious groups with deep pockets. The Mormon church was a key proponent of Prop 8 while operating out of Utah. If the residents of Utah are that concerned with the state of California’s public policy, perhaps they should start donating some cash to assist with  the beleaguered state’s budgetary woes. If one is going to say that the states should make up their own minds, then LET THEM. Do not sanctimoniously claim that none but the people of each state should choose which policy to embrace and then embroil yourself in that choice.

Further, the Constitution exists to protect the rights of the individual from the tyranny of the majority. To have a court interpret the constitution in such a way that rights are afforded equally among its citizens and then remove that right by appealing to the basest fears and prejudices of its citizens flies directly in the face of what it means to claim ‘freedom and justice for all.’

Most importantly: appealing to any citizen’s religious beliefs in order to perpetrate discrimination against any group is not only ethically reprehensible, it is unconstitutional. As soon as ANY leader claims anyone should vote a certain way because ‘it’s what God says,’ the United States Constitution has ceased to be followed. No law shall be made based on religious belief. If the people of the great state of California want to play at being legislators, then they need to follow the law. Not god’s law, the law of the United States of America and the state of California, which dictates a separation of church and state.  I don’t care what your personal beliefs are. The second they start infringing on the rights of others, you lose your credibility and your claim that you love this country.

‘It’s my right to know my wife’s sexual history.’

This is what I heard on the way in to work this morning. Usually I try to listen to stations without morning shows, but it’s difficult to find such an animal in a metro area considering my demographic and musical preferences. Had the dj not used the word ‘right,’ I would have changed the station. Once he asserted a right, however, I was hooked. Call it recreational outrage.

A listener had called in and was complaining to the dj about his relationship as for some reason, listeners are wont to do (and WHY? What is it that causes some people to vent the most intimate moments of their lives to a listening audience of indeterminate size?! ). He explained that his sex life with his wife had grown somewhat stale and he wanted to spice things up by watching porn together. She told him she had done it before with a previous boyfriend and she didn’t enjoy it. He then badgered her for the name of the boyfriend she had watched porn with, saying it was his ‘right’ to know. The dj egged him on, agreeing with him. At that point, I popped in a CD. Green Day I’ve heard a thousand times was far preferable.

I’ve been mulling this over since I heard the discussion, trying to find which part bothers me the most and why. I think it breaks down this way:

  1. No one has a right to their spouse’s past and it pisses me right off when anyone asserts otherwise. You may want to know and have personal limits which necessitate knowing your SO’s/spouse’s history more fully before being able to trust that person completely. That’s understandable and even laudable. After all, when you’re in a romantic relationship you want to make sure this person is the right one for you. But you do not have a right to know their past. Nor do they have a right to know  yours. If that man’s wife’s past was so significant to him, why didn’t he ask her about it more fully before marrying her? Especially if it was a trust issue. If you simply cannot fathom marrying a person without getting to know every intimate detail of their prior sex lives, that should have been cleared up long before he slipped the ring on her finger.
  2. How is knowing  the name of the person she watched porn with in any way important? Why does it matter? His stammered answer of ‘I just wanna know…’ was barely an excuse, much less an explanation. Yes, I get that you want to know. What I want to know is why it matters? From what I can tell, when one asserts a ‘right’ followed by a demand, it’s an implication of ownership. You don’t own your partner or their past. This smacks heavily of insecurity. The problem does not lie with the person with the past, but the person who can’t let go of said past.
  3. ‘You did it with him, why won’t you do it with me?!’  This was something else the caller kept asking. This had me yelling at the radio. Think about it. Is there nothing in your past that you wouldn’t do or haven’t done with your current partner? Either because you don’t enjoy it or for one reason or another, don’t feel comfortable trying it with that person? Comfort levels and what turns you on vary from partner to partner. That’s just the way it is. Sex is subjective. Get over it.
  4. You want to ‘spice up’ your physical relationship. Your wife tells you she doesn’t like what you want to try. Is that the only option you can come up with? It has to be porn or it won’t work? The end? And then you complain that it’s all her fault. Let me ask you. Has your wife ever insisted that you try something sexual that makes you uncomfortable and you don’t like? That would be pretty selfish of her, wouldn’t it? So then why is it okay for you to do it to her? We’re back to the ownership thing. Your wife’s body is not your personal property, it’s hers. Here’s an idea: FIND SOMETHING YOU BOTH ENJOY. Other than porn. It doesn’t have to end the experimentation just because she said no to one thing. Hell, there are tons of books out there on the subject. You can read, can’t you? Your relationship is worth it, no? Here. Hot Monogamy is probably one of the better of those, as it helps BOTH partners work toward keeping their sex life fun and enjoyable.
  5. I don’t know what planet this guy came from, but here on Earth, badgering a woman to death to do something sexual is a sure fire way to make sure she a) never wants to try it and b) resents the hell out of you forever if she does. Badgering gets you nowhere fast. Try using language that won’t put her on the immediate defensive. Ask her what she would like to try. Women like seduction. Watching other people screw does not fall under that category, sorry.

Sex isn’t just physical, it’s emotional and psychological. If you can’t be bothered to put in a little work, why should she get bothered about you? Putting it all on one partner (male or female) and expecting that person to fix it is a recipe for disaster. Just like the rest of a marriage, the physical side requires work. It doesn’t just happen. And FFS, stop calling radio dj’s for advice. How much sex do you think you’re going to get when the person you want to have sex with finds out you’re sharing your private lives with the entire Dallas Metro area?

The AFA Blackmails Pepsi

The mob has a lovely little setup they call “protection.” The federal government calls it “racketeering,” and has laws against it.  The American Family Association, headed up by Donald Wildmon learned a lot from La Cosa Nostra; specifically racketeering and strong arm tactics.

Their most recent “project” is an attempt to boycott PepsiCo because Pepsi had the audacity to dare to donate $1M to the Human Rights Campaign and PFLAG. It’s very obvious from the AFA’s Boycott Pepsi website they were truly loath to do this. They “asked Pepsi to remain neutral in the culture war, but the company refused — choosing to support the homosexual activists.” The BASTARDS! Of course, when AFA said neutral, what they really meant was “side with us,” but that’s just semantics.

Even worse, according to AFA: “Pepsi has made no effort to hide their support for the homosexual agenda!” Can you imagine the nerve? Instead of being ashamed of treating those in the LGBT community like people, Pepsi is actually PROUD of their actions! Well. Obviously, AFA took immediate action, setting up a website  to boycott Pepsi products. They’ve even got links to contact Pepsi distributorships and letters to and from Pepsi, which essentially read like a bad gangster movie.

Recently we noticed that PepsiCo gave a $500,000 donation to Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.  We were indeed surprised by PepsiCo’s support of the homosexual group.  It would appear to us that PepsiCo would not involve itself in a political and culture war, especially supporting an organization seeking to redefine marriage and family.

We ask PepsiCo to remain neutral in this culture war, neither supporting nor opposing the homosexual agenda.

We would like to discuss this matter with PepsiCo.  Would you have a representative of PepsiCo contact us?

In other words: “Gee, Pepsi. This is a nice little place you got here. Be a real shame if someone were to torch it.”

Pepsi’s response was intelligent, honest and, IMO, brilliant:

’m responding to your letter to our Chairman. In 2008, the PepsiCo Foundation awarded a grant to Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays to support a national program specifically designed for workplace environments.

The initiative seeks to promote further understanding and equality in the places where people spend much of their time at work.

Among the values promoted by the PepsiCo Foundation is ensuring a work environment that is respectful and where associates are valued for their contributions.  I hope this helps  clarify this grant by the PepsiCo Foundation.

Honestly? Aside from Cherry Pepsi (for which I am an absolute fiend), I’m not much for junk food. But today? I’m tempted to go to the store and buy as many Pepsi products as I can fit in my budget.

My Annual Valentine’s Day Rant

So. Here we are once again, February 14th, and you’re nervous as hell that all you managed to get your SO after days of searching and sweating and asking the opinions of others is a bunch of overpriced flowers picked by Brazilian produce workers for pennies an hour and some chocolate that you’re not quite sure she’ll like and you’re afraid you’ll come off trite and insincere when, dammit, you TRIED, and who the hell came up with this stupid holiday, anyway? I will tell you, as I do every year. It was not, as those even more cynical than this chronicler (hard to imagine, isn’t it?) will tell you, the South African diamond merchants and the Hallmark people…though if there’s justice, a specialized hell awaits them all. Damn, atheism bites hard sometimes. No. It was the Romans. And, is too long to sum up, so I will splain.

Once upon a time, there was a rather sweet little custom held by the ancient Romans called the Lupercalia. As I tend to leave the dry, scholarly posts to those who actually enjoy such things, I will link the wiki article for you to peruse and enjoy at your leisure. Essentially, the Romans were celebrating fertility. They liked doing that quite a bit, and managed to find many, MANY inventive reasons for doing so. Every year on February 15th, the local priests would round up the year’s crop of likely young men and take them up to the cave where the she-wolf suckled the twins, Romulus and Remus. There, they were daubed on the forehead with the blood of a goat, and afterward, they were to take strips of goat skin, dip it in the blood and run through the streets touching everything in their path with the goatskin. Especially women. Go figure. It was supposed to cleanse the town and make women fertile. And afterward…and this is my favorite bit… there was a HUGE feast; lots of meat (goat, sure, you didn’t want it to go to waste after all…), lots of wine, everyone laughing and happy, and just when the evening hit its zenith…there was the sex lottery. You heard me. See, while the young men were up on the hill, the unmarried young ladies would all put their names in this urn. After the feast, the boys would draw names from the urn, and they’d take the young ladies off and do what it is kids do. It was an arrangement for a year to decide whether or not they liked each other well enough to be married which, when you get right down to it, is a hell of a lot more practical than a lot of what we do now. It was considered lucky if she became pregnant on the Lupercalia, and the pregnancy generally signaled an intent to make the arrangement permanent.

So what happened? Do you really need to ask? The Catholic church, of course. They got all tingly and uptight whenever they thought about the Lupercalia, and they knew that something that felt that good just COULDN’T be right. So they took a little known saint who may or may not have ever existed (Valentinus), ran it smack up against the Lupercalia, and, oh, yes, took away the sex lottery. Instead, the urn was stuffed with the names of saints, and the youngsters were instructed to research those saints and emulate them. Yeah, that’s more fun. Over the years, it has morphed and changed and become what it is; a holiday that takes the fun out of love. Manufactured romance. And yet…and yet…at the base of it…if we really want it…the Lupercalia is still there, winking and wearing not much more than a come hither look and a smile. So forget the flowers and the Whitman’s sampler and the two hour wait at the restaurant. Get a bottle of really good wine, some decent candles, and whatever it is you and your sweetie like best to eat. Feed each other in the candle light. Then go and make ol’ Lupercus proud. Be the secret entry in each others’ respective sex diaries. The page they never talk about and blush to think about.

Ted Haggard’s Closet Gets a Little Fuller

Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted. What are we going to do with you?

Yes, it’s true. Ted Haggard, public homophobe and pastor of the Denver New Life Mega-Church, is once again the center of a gay sex scandal. I know. I’m as shocked as you. Who would’ve thought that just two short years after having meth fueled sex with a male hooker (which I understand isn’t nearly as pleasurable or fulfilling as the straight laced hetero man on top get it over with quick with the lights out kind), yet ANOTHER story about Ted Haggard having gay sex with a member of his own church would find its way to the surface? Other than me and, probably, you.

The article states:

Boyd said an “overwhelming pool of evidence” pointed to an “inappropriate, consensual sexual relationship” that “went on for a long period of time … it wasn’t a one-time act.” Boyd said the man was in his early 20s at the time. He said he was certain the man was of legal age when it began.”

Ohhh, good. Because of all the things wrong with the head of a mega church that influences public policy by snuggling up to the President of the United States and getting him to pass harmful legislation against gays and women being found to have gay sex with a young member of his church, the one I’m MOST worried about is whether the young man was underage or not. Mr. Boyd, are we on the same planet? I think something a bit more worrisome was the fact that Mr. Haggard paid the kid off.

In a letter e-mailed Friday to New Life Church members, Boyd said of the settlement and agreement not to talk: “This decision was made not as an attempt to conceal wrongdoings, but to protect him from those who would seek to exploit him.”

Okay. I think we’re stretching the suspension of disbelief a little far, even for Christians. If part of the agreement was explicitly that neither party discuss the affair? It was hush money.

In an AP interview this month before an appearance in front of TV critics in California, Haggard described his sexuality as complex and something that can’t be put into “stereotypical boxes.”

*sigh*…. Ted? Ted, you’re gay, and you’re closeted. That’s about as boxed in as you can get. Look. I’m going to try to help you. I know you’re scared and  I know you’re worried, but at this point…how much worse can it really get? You lost your church, you lost your reputation, you’re a national joke, and the woman you’re married to doesn’t trust you now and (thanks to this new thing) probably never will again. You’ve shamed your children. Was it worth it? Ted…stop making their and your life miserable. There IS a way. Two simple words, and then … believe it or not… life will get easier. Ready? Repeat after me. “I’m gay.” Now own it. It will be okay. I promise. Your wife will be able to move on with her life. You may even be able to mend fences with her. Your kids will need lots of attention and understanding, but you could really be a model dad, one who shows just what grace and acceptance really mean, not all that fire and brimstone crap you’ve been spewing for years. And YOU, Ted, will be happy. At least, happier than you are now. Believe it.

And later, we’ll work on that whole god fixation thing.

Artificial Virginity Hymens

Look at that! You can fake your orgasms AND your virginity. Every time I think I’m maybe going over the top in my cynicism with respect to the human race, said human race manages to surprise and disappoint still further.

“Kee-RIST, Left,” you mutter to yourself, “what are you on about now?” I’m glad you asked. It’s this Japanese product which describes itself thusly:

Insert this artificial hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrate, it will ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groan, you will pass through undetectable.

Ummm….yeah. Really, isn’t it time we got rid of the whole virginity/purity perception? Women have more to offer the world than an unbroken flap of tissue and then a life as a baby incubator. Not to mention the dishonesty implicit in a product like this. Now…if your lover has a thing for virgins and you’re into it…more power to you, I guess…but if you’re having sex (like most functional adult women) and lying to the man you’re marrying so that he’ll still marry you? You’re lying to both of you. And if that’s all he really values about you, why the hell do you want to be with him anyway?

Lindsay Lohan Comes Out

Alright. I don’t often do the whole “gossip girl” thing, but this was sent to me by a friend, and, as with any trainwreck, I simply cannot look away. Lindsay Lohan, actress and human melt down, has come out.

London’s Daily Mail is not the most reliable of all papers, but they seem to have done their homework.

After months of speculation about their relationship Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have finally confirmed they are a couple.

The pair were talking to an American radio DJ who asked them how long they had been together.

‘A very long time,’ replied 22-year-old actress Lohan, who has been living with the 30-year-old DJ since May.

Will this revelation finally signal the end of Lohan’s personal roller coaster? We can only hope so. Coming out is hard for everyone; to do so under a microscope cannot be easy. I, for one, wish her well and congratulate her for her bravery. Well done, Lindsay.

Bristol’s Decision or: Republicans stumble over the word “Choice”

So naturally, as an avowed Commie Socialist atheist liberal pig dog, I watch the Daily Show as often as I can. Well. Ordinarily I tivo it and watch it at some point over the weekend when I’m not running the kids around or cleaning the house or plotting the downfall of civilization as we know it by daring to vote Democrat. Last night, though, since I was up talking to the television during the RNC, I stayed up the extra half hour to watch Jon Stewart.

Ordinarily, I am not a big Samantha Bee fan; she ends up annoying me. But her last few segments have had me rolling, and I’m hoping the writers can keep coming up with the biting satire they’ve been writing for her lately.  Last night in particular had me grinning from ear to ear. On the convention floor, Samantha was interviewing attendees, asking them what they thought about the whole Bristol issue. Many of them said that, while it was an unfortunate incident, it was “a decision made privately, by the family.” I began to smile as Samantha asked each one “Hmmm….decision….she made her own DECISION… y’know…there’s another word…for decision…option? No…that’s not it….what IS that word…?” And hemmed over it more as each conventioneer got obviously more and more uncomfortable about the big hypocritical elephant in the living room. Finally one said “Um…choice?” “YES!” Samantha yelled. “That’s it. Choice. It was her choice.” The young lady then said (and I swear I laughed harder at this line than any Jon Stewart delivered) “well…yeah, but… y’know…’freedom of choice’ isn’t exactly the same thing as ‘pro choice.’ ” And she was SERIOUS!

(Clip here)

I was absolutely floored. Here’s this entire delegation who understands and supports the idea that getting married and having that baby is not only a private, family matter, but Bristol’s choice, and hers alone. And THEN had the balls to say it isn’t the same thing as being pro-choice. There I sat, my ghast totally flabbered. The darling man (who was raised in Texas and understands these things far better than a simple California girl like me) smiled at me rather gently and said “honey…they really do think ‘pro choice’ is a euphemism for ‘pro abortion’.”

I goggled at him. I blustered. What twaddle! NO ONE is pro-abortion! I’ve worked at Planned Parenthood; that’s not the motto! When we say “pro choice,” we really do MEAN….it’s your choice! Totally up to you! Bristol wants to have her baby. That’s great! SHE made that choice. Had she decided to keep it quiet, not tell anyone and given it up for adoption? ALSO great, and also totally up to her. Had she not told anyone, had an abortion, and gone on with her life? Guess what. That’s her choice, too.

The fact that people at the RNC supported that, on camera and on the record, should be screamed from the rooftops. The fact that it was the Daily Show and not a “hard news” program just means people were relaxed enough to say what they actually meant.  Republicans DO support a woman’s right to choose. Giving women that choice does not automatically follow that the choice they make will be the one with which their values disagree.

Satisfy your lover! And other ridiculous internet myths Pt. II

I had done a bit of a screed about masturbation which I ended up removing because really….anyone who reads my blog pretty much already knows masturbation is a good and healthy thing, and those who are really in need of a good orgasm certainly aren’t people who’d be reading the blog of a heretical evil woman preaching sedition and sexual gratification for all. So let’s move right along, you vibrant, delicious masters of your own bodies, you.

I’m sure by now you’ve all heard some of the weirdness that passes for peer-produced sexual education among teens. The only thing scarier than some of those myths is the number of young people who believe them.  Let’s dispel a few of those, shall we? And yes, believe it or not, I hear these questions from teens a LOT. So please. If you’re a parent; educate your kids. You don’t want them relying on what they hear from their friends. If you read on, you’ll understand why.

  • Douching with Coca Cola/Pepsi/Mt. Dew after sex will stop you from getting pregnant.

No. No, no, no, no, no. Not only will it NOT stop you from getting pregnant, it may cause you to get a raging infection. Then you’ll be itchy AND still pregnant. Please do not do this. There are already plenty of ways for a woman’s  pH to be tossed off balance without any help from the Coca Cola corporation, thank you very much.

  • If a man masturbates prior to having sex, he can’t get a woman pregnant.

Wanna know what we call guys who use this method of birth control? Right. Fathers. I imagine their girlfriends call them other things as well after getting pregnant, but you get the idea. This is so far from scientifically sound, it may as well have been come up with by the Pope. Unless you have had a vasectomy, you are producing sperm. Each and every time. Masturbation prior to sex can lower your sperm count (by about 20%), but it doesn’t make you sterile. And considering that sperm samples obtained after intercourse show up to 120% more sperm than masturbation…odds are good you’re about 9 months from becoming the adult you want everyone to treat you as. Do yourself a favor; invest in some condoms.

  • You can’t get a disease from oral.

 I can’t believe those words just sprang from your keyboard. Really? REALLY?!? Of course you can get a disease from oral. Know what bacteria like? Warm damp places where they can multiply. Any place you happen to have mucous membranes will do, and….HELLLOOO!!!!….your mouth is on that list, along with eyes, vagina and anus.

  • If the girl’s on top, the sperm won’t reach the egg.

Yeahhhh…..not so much. On top, bottom, hands and knees, standing…doesn’t matter. Sperm are designed for one thing; fertilizing an ovum. They’re swimming with a lot more force than the gravity against them.  

Teens pass each other a lot of information. Quite a bit of it (at least when it comes to sex) is bad. Want a fool proof way to not get pregnant? I’m not going to tell you abstinence, because…clearly… you’re not listening. Barring abstinence, there is no 100% safe way. But you can get close, and be reasonably cautious.

Find a local family planning clinic. Don’t be embarrassed; trust me, they’ve heard it all. Including some things you’ve probably never even THOUGHT of, but that’s a post for another day. Discuss your options for safe effective birth control. Above all, be honest and ask questions. You won’t be laughed at or talked down to; the educators WANT you to be healthy and responsible and aware of your body and how it works.

Satisfy your lover! And other ridiculous internet myths

This is a big enough topic to be its own series. So while the atheism stuff will still be here, I’m going to concentrate on this for a bit, because it’s starting to annoy me. Fair warning: I am going to talk about sex in a fairly explicit, matter of fact manner. If that bothers you, you may want to stop reading now.

Okay. First and foremost: I am an educator for a rather well known community clinic that specializes in family and reproductive health. The following is excerpted from rather frank discussions with groups of women aged 16-45, as well as my own personal observations.

So there I was, stumbling around, looking through the adult pages, when I came across a site promising to improve the reader’s cunnilingus skills. “Interesting….” I thought, “let’s read on.” The article went on to advise foreplay. “So far so good…us women like foreplay….” But then it made a fatal mistake. It started talking about specifics. How to massage the clitoris, how to tease the labia, how to slowly introduce your mouth in the mix (not that that’s a bad thing, any of it!). So what’s the problem? you ask. Specifics are good. They tell us what we should be doing. Well, yes. They do. Unfortunately, they tell you what you should be doing for some women.

Here’s my objection to websites like this. Specifics are good. Unfortunately, they change from woman to woman. You want to know how to best please your lover orally? Seriously? Ask her (or him). No, not “what do you want,” because I know what you’re going to get back is a blush and silence. Some evening when you’re both relatively open to it, try a few different things. And each step of the way, ask “do you like it better when I do it like this…. or like this?” That’ll give you a way to adjust accordingly in the future. And keep doing that. Adjust your speed. Use one finger then two. Don’t just ask which she likes better, watch her reactions. Be patient. Be willing to learn. Be willing to recognize that, while you’re confident you can satisfy your lover, there may be ways you can satisfy her/him even more.

There is no magic technique. Each unique woman and man has their own tempo, their own combination. If it’s important enough to you to satisfy your lover, then it’s important enough to bear that in mind. People are not cookie cut outs. They’re individuals with individual likes, dislikes and turn ons. The best road to sexual nirvana is paved with trust and communication. Yes, there are some times where you “just know.” But don’t be discouraged if a little direction is needed. And remember the journey is at least half the fun.

To be continued.